mornings “So I'm not crazy after all! I thought it looked good myself once I cut it all off. Not one guy likes it, though. They all tell me I look like a first grader or a concentration camp survivor. What's this thing that guys have for girls with long hair? Fascists, the whole bunch of them! Why do guys all think girls with long hair are the classiest, the sweetest, the most feminine? I mean, I myself know at least two hundred and fifty unclassy girls with long hair. Really.”

(Haruki Murakami, Norwegian Wood)
Beautiful things happen when you stay away from the negative shit.
Palette · Archives · Contact · RSS
2011-12. Everything you see here, stays here, unless it's not mine.

Marathon

28.5.12

Now Playing: N.A.

---

So now this is my challenge: to ignore the animal analogies and ignore the little voices of self-doubt; and to eat a normal breakfast tomorrow and have the motivation to go to the gym and meet him believing that I’m looking like more than a million dollars. Because no amount of money, and no amount of starving or binging and purging- can buy the glow that comes from within a woman who knows she is loved by herself. Because every day is still a war to fight the niggling little faces that leer at me from the mirror and all the way from inside; but every day I tell myself “this is a worthwhile war to fight” and so I do it; and tell myself I am strong, I am lovely, I am a conquering force, I am worth “more than a number” and all the cliched things they tell you

not an elephant I am a jungle child
not a whale I am a mermaid. And you girls; you stand strong and you remember the same.


---

Walking out is always hard, but staying in there, it hurts even harder.

I think I know why people leave. Perhaps one day I will understand why you guys did those things. One day I will think of my wet pillow and feeling breathless while choking on worthless tears shed uncontrollably at 3AM, and hold up a cigarette between my frail fingers. I'll feel sorry for myself, and maybe even for you too. I'll draw in deep, and feel guilty for becoming one of you. One day I will understand how all of you heartless people feel.

Strength is the will to fight battles with yourself

And you're heartless because you lost a battle against one of your inner demons. 

Now I'm struggling

because I don't know if this is a war worth fighting for

and I am losing it.

---

The marathon was torturous! I have never realised how long 1km is. Honestly, I thought I ran 6km until I saw the sign that reads '1 KM'. 

... my world collapsed on me.

"NO THIS IS NOT TRUE THEY ARE LYING." /exasperation/

Anyway, there were lots of army guys running too, and boy were they noisy. "Come on, we can do this!" "Come on, guys! *clap clap* don't give up!" -- and one of the most corny -- "*clap clap* We are not born to give up!"

/tries to hide laughter/ Well, I'm sorry that they were so cheesy! And I laughed! I mean, it's so cheesy!

It's a long journey, with thunderstorms, funny people, noisy volunteers screaming shit and telling me to press on (YOU SHOULD TRY RUNNING. YOUR SHIT IS THE LAST THING THAT RUNNERS WANNA HEAR, YOU GET THAT!?), drinks, food and thoughts. I don't remember what I was thinking during the whole marathon except for, "... I should have stayed at home like Soph. Why did I even bother with this? Why did I sign up? But no, cannot give up and take taxi to the baggage check-point", "OMG It's Geylang, should I just go back and take money and sleep in one of the hotels here?", "Oh more hotels on Orchard Road", "Shit, I wish I knew someone who lives here" and "Must finish this, if not I'm gonna regret it." 

Jerrine told me that I'll feel a huge sense of accomplishment, and she's absolutely right. When I ran past the finishing line just two minutes before the time limit, I was like, 'whoaaaaa JUST NICE! Good thing I decided to continue jogging/ walking when I was under the bridge hiding from the crazy storm!' The medal is lying in the drawer next to my bed now. YES!

Pride in self level: 21km Marathon Finisher <3

I feel going for a 42km one but NO NO NO NO NO, I think this is just a spur of the moment because I just completed the 21km thing.

Labels: , ,